Sunday, March 13, 2011

Dream of Wings

I entered this contest some time ago (I did not win) in which we picked a picture from a group of dead Amanda Palmer pictures and then we must write a story about it. Here's what I wrote.

Once a long time ago, people flew in the sky like birds with giant wings on their backs. This was later agreed to have been a very bad idea, as they were very likely to forget to come down to the earth to feed and falling emaciated winged people are a very nasty sight indeed. The problem was taken care of, the wings removed, and people started walking on land. There was nothing left in history mentioning the time when people could fly, except for the memory in people’s bodies. This memory came out in dreams.

What people don’t realize is that there are certain times when a dreamer’s will is strong enough that their dreams come true. One person with such a strong will was a woman by the name of Amanda Palmer, who one day dreamed she could fly.
All it took was that vivid dream and the body’s memory and Amanda Palmer grew wings. Perhaps still thinking that she was dreaming, or perhaps because her definition of reality was much larger than others, Amanda took her sudden change at face value and jumped from her balcony to go for a midnight flight.

It did not bother her that she was naked, flying with clothes on is next to impossible and the cool air felt lovely along her skin. She remembered quite clearly how to fly and it was not long before she was doing summersaults in the air.
It was not to last, however. While the moon was out and dreams ruled the world, Amanda had wings. As the sun rose that began to change. Dreams were chased from the air and in the world of waking wings are not gifts humans can receive. Invisible hands grabbed her arms and legs and as the sun touched her wings they began to melt. Although she thrashed around, trying to fly with what little of her wings was left, the hands held her steady. Once the wings were gone, her skin as smooth as it had been before, the hands disappeared and she began to fall. She landed on a hotel balcony not far from her own room. The fall, and maybe even the shock of these events, had killed her.

The sun, now high in the sky, showed a woman with dark red bruises on her arms and legs in the shape of hands. There was not a feather in site. It was not the first time someone had died in such a way, and it will not be the last.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

In Case You Are Wondering

I decided to write this after my previous note about gender and orientation. Basically it's a note explaining what I identify as and why.

I identify as Queer and Genderqueer.

For the most part, I'm really wishy-washy when it comes to orientation. I find everyone attractive, but because I'm very uncomfortable with people it's very rare that I'm actually comfortable enough with someone to be intimate with them. My comfort level and my orientation are very different things though. Most people identify me as lesbian. That's for the most part incorrect, I am just as attracted to men as I am to women (and everyone in between) I'm just more uncomfortable with men. People freak me out in general, men are just another level of freak out.

As far as my gender, I'm also pretty wishy-washy. No one ever calls the fact that I am female into consideration. However, I dream I'm male just as often as I dream I'm female. Sometimes I forget my gender and am very surprise do find that I have boobs and my penis has disappeared. I know this sounds strange with my apparent phobia of men, but myself as a man doesn't freak me out. I think the reason my gender would be the biggest surprise is because I act very feminine, I mean I barely ever wear pants! However, the reason I wear skirts is because that is what fits best on my body. Pants either fall off, ride up, or cut into me. I can't find a pair that fits as well as skirts. I also know quite a few men who like pink frilly things and like doing their hair and make-up. Only a few are gay.

I really don't care what you call me. I can be a female, male, gay, straight, whatever. I'm me. That's all that matters.

The Grey Area of Sexuality and Gender Identity

Warning: Contains Language

We've been told our whole lives that the world is divided into male vs. female.

This is wrong.

Nothing in the world is just black or white, there is every spectrum. I'll try to explain

First off there is Klinefelter's syndrome, people who have both XX and XY chromosomes, which denote gender. Some people have both male and female genitalia. This isn't to say that they have both a penis and vagina, usually it's something like having the outward appearance as a man, but having ovaries. Many people have ambiguous genitalia, because of a genetic abnormality, hormone imbalance, or chromosomal difference. This is referred to as an Intersex or Middlesex.

Then comes gender identity. With transgendered or some intersexed people, they identify as either male or female. Others refuse to identify as either male or female, or genderneutral. Others feel like they are both male and female, this is known as bigendered. Some people identify themselves as just androgynous, something in between male and female. Some people say that there is a third gender. Others not only reject gender norms but defy them, that is known as genderfuck. A good term for anyone who does not want to identify as either male or female is "Genderqueer"

Where does sexuality come into this? The most common sexualities are Heterosexual, Homosexual, and sometimes Bisexual. However, these terms only take two genders into consideration. Many people choose to just label themselves as queer, people who love people. It's odd though, that a word for weird would take on the connotation of pure love. There is also Pansexual, people who love all genders, and polysexual, people who love many genders.

I personally hate labels. We are people, that's all. We love who we love, we're attracted to who we are attracted to. That should be all there is to it. I don't like being labeled, but even I find myself labeling people. I guess I figure the least I could do is know more about the labels out there, and not try to fit people into the black and white labels many are familiar with, but all the beautiful grey labels too.

What it means to be Poly

Imagine for a second you love everyone. There are different kinds of love of course, but unless someone does something to hurt you you know you'd do anything to help them. Once a person gains your trust, well then you know you'll love this person forever.
Even the prospect of the person being upset with you breaks your heart. Imagine that you feel this intense love and devotion to each one of your friends.

Now imagine society telling you that you can only feel this way for one person, that you only have one special someone. Imagine trying for 7 years trying to fit that mold, knowing that the person you're with is only one of your special someones. Now imagine having a complete mental breakdown after another breakup because you know you're just doing the same things over and over again and you know you're never going to be happy this way.

Imagine finally accepting yourself and being brave enough to say 'despite the social stigma I'm never going to be monogamous again. It doesnt fit with me and its unfair to both myself and my partner.' That's what it's like to be poly. That's what it's like to be me.

Exposition on Fertility

I love children. Like seriously, every time I even see one my mothering urge goes through the roof. Within five seconds of entering a room I will have spotted all of the children, they will have seen me, and we will smile at eachother. I pretty much would do anything for a child, seriously doesn't matter if they annoy me all they have to do is ask me to do something and I'll probably consider doing it. I can't be around a child and not want to pick up a mother's role. Actually I even do that with adults. I am Mommy with a capital M.

But I don't want children. We're overpopulated, natural disasters occur every day, people get gunned down, there's a greater devide between the rich and poor; the world could end at any moment. I don't want to bring a child into that mess. There are millions of trillions of children without homes, who are subjected to fostercare. They are abused, oftentimes starved or misstreated and they definitely don't get the love and attention they diserve. The "lucky" ones who actually find a home are sometimes used just for the pay check, they might recieve even a worse treatement. The extremely "lucky" ones who actually recieve a family who want a child might still get a family who doesn't understand or love them enough. I am not selfish enough to want my DNA in another being to ignore this fact.

Having a child is extremely selfish. Yes it is what we're "made to do" everything we experience is to make sure we procreate, from the hormonal rush we get when in a relationship to the pleasure we recieve from sex, but we've evolved to the point where we don't have that need anymore. Some people believe that that's the reason why there are so many gay people these days, evolutionally speaking we just don't need that many people having babies. I believe that also this is why so many people have trouble getting pregnant, why there are so many sexual and reproductive disfunctions. It is an attempt by nature to curb the population. Unfortunately we have outsmarted nature with our fertility drugs, our turkey basters and our suragote mothers. We'd rather pass on OUR DNA than take care of our children.

I talk about getting a hysterectomy a lot. People always wave me off as crazy, either because I'd willingly subject myself to early onset menapause or because they don't believe I'd really never want a child. I don't have a strong will. If I got pregnant today I doubt I'd actually be able to get an abortion and a part of me would rejoice at getting this oppurtunity. I wan't to make sure that there is absolutely no way for me to back out of this. I want a hysterectomy TODAY. However, doctors wont do this procedure because I'm "too young". If I'm old enough to have a child I'm old enough to make the decision to never have one. That's just my opinion.

I wan't a child very much. I have to battle myself every day not to go out and get knocked up. Thank the Goddess I have a little brother that I can mother all I want, if it weren't for him I probably wouldn't be able to control myself. I've made this personal decision because I believe with all my heart that it is the right one. It's hard to see everyone I know getting pregnant, because it makes me think "What's one more baby in this sea of infants?" but I know I couldn't deal with myself perpetuating this behaviour. You guys can go increase the population all you want, but I'll be here counting down the days till I can get my operation to insure I never do.